You Can't Go Home Again
by Wepdiggy
Summary: 10 years after leaving Burbank, Sarah Walker tracks down her old flame. What she finds isn't what she expected. Diverges from canon during the first wedding in Chuck vs. The Ring Part 1.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, and no hobos were injured in the making of this fic. Of course, there were no hobos involved, which helped with that whole thing, but the point still stands._

_A/N: So, admittedly, this started out as another in my long line of parody fics. Once again, I got a little peeved at the idea of Sarah leaving Chuck, and Chuck just waiting around for her, and I decided to write something to correct and make fun of that situation. Only, funny thing happened. Somewhere along the line, the story grew into something much more serious. There are lighthearted, and funny moments, sure, but on the whole, this is a rather serious tale. Story takes place in the future, of course, and diverges from canon in Chuck vs. The Ring Part I. The first wedding goes off without a hitch, and Sarah leaves the next morning with Bryce. So, yeah, this ended up being kind of sad. Heh, well, what can you do, I guess. Hope you enjoy the story, and please review. Thanks!_

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_Wepdiggy presents:_

_Zac Levi_

_Yvonne Strahovski_

_-and-_

_Karen Gillan as Ruby_

_in_

**You Can't Go Home Again**

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Sarah smoothed down the sides of her skirt with her hands once more. Her palms were sweaty, and there was a nervous chill running through her body. Even after all the heart stopping missions, being held at gunpoint, being captured and tortured, and every other life threatening event she'd encountered in her years as a spy, none of it made her heart beat as fast as what was to come.

She reached out and rang the doorbell. God, why had it taken five minutes just to work up the courage to do that? Probably for the same reason that, although it had taken only a couple of days to track down his address, it had taken her two months to grow balls enough to come here, to this beautiful two-story house in San Diego. She was such a coward. But then, if she wasn't a coward, she wouldn't be in the position she was in now. If she hadn't run away from him, if she hadn't left after Ellie's wedding, she never would've had to come back.

Of course, nothing said she _had_ to come back. There was still time. She'd rung the doorbell, but she could still flee before anyone found her on the front step. Chuck would be none the wiser, and she could go off somewhere, and be alone. Alone, there was nothing to fear. There were no expectations, and no one to judge her. There would be no one that would ever let her down, and she wouldn't have to worry about letting anyone down.

But no, dammit. She'd been alone for too long. That's why she'd come here. She'd come to find Him. He would never let her be alone again, given the choice. He would always live up to her expectations. He would always be there for her.

But what if He moved on? No, she wouldn't let herself think about that. There was no way He moved on. She was the love of His life, and He would've waited for her. He would've waited, no matter how long it had been (and it had been a long time), just for the chance that she might come back to Him.

So Sarah resolved to stand and wait for the door to be answered. She stood and waited for Him to come back into her life, as she was finally ready to be a permanent part of His.

The door swung open, and Sarah's breath caught in her throat. This was the moment of truth. Only, it wasn't.

"Hello?" asked the woman answering the door in confusion. "Can I help you with something?"

The woman that answered the door was stunning; there was no two ways about it. Long flowing red hair framed a gorgeous face, peppered with light freckles that made her look both adorable and beautiful at the same time. She was wearing a short skirt (short by most standards, though Sarah could remember wearing much shorter) that showed off long, lean, flawless legs. And she wasn't hurting up top, either, Sarah noticed. And her accent, Scottish, Sarah noted, only added to her attractiveness. Wow, He really did hang out with beautiful people. Sarah wondered why His friend would be answering his door.

"I, uh," Sarah said, unable to form any words. Damn her traitorous mouth for not being able to get her out of this fix!

"You're not selling anything, are you? Because I'm really not –"

"I'm not," she paused, trying to collect herself. "I'm here to see Chuck. Is he in?"

The woman eyed her suspiciously for a moment before turning around to face the staircase. "Chuck!" she yelled. "Some woman's here to see you!"

Sarah's heart nearly stopped (and maybe it did, for just a second) when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. It was Chuck. It was _her_ _her_ Chuck, and He was coming to her.

She couldn't look up to meet His eyes as she heard Him approaching. It was only when she heard Him right in front of her that Sarah was able to peel her gaze from the floor.

He looked great. A little longer in the tooth than she remembered, but then, it _had _been almost ten years. Still, He was the most beautiful sight her eyes had ever seen.

"Chuck?" she asked shyly, reverently.

He looked at her, puzzled for a moment. Almost like He was trying to place her face. But no, that couldn't be right. He'd definitely remember her. She was the love of His life, after all.

"Sarah Walker?" He asked suddenly. There is was. Of course He remembered. "Wow, I haven't seen you since…" His voice trailed off. "How the hell have 'ya been? Come in!"

Wow. That was an odd greeting for the love of one's life. _How the hell have 'ya been?_ Those weren't the words she was expecting. Shouldn't it have been more like: "I've missed you so much, and my life has been empty without you"? Or better yet, no words at all, just a firm embrace, and a kiss that went on forever. That's more what she expected. But then, she'd done Him wrong, and she knew there would be consequences. So the kissing and the proclamations of affection could wait for a few minutes. She could handle that.

"Are you going to introduce us?" the Scottish broad asked.

"Oh! Oh my God, yes," Chuck stammered. Still so cute when He was flustered, Sarah mused with a smirk. "Ruby, this is Sarah Walker. We used to work together."

"At the Buy More?" Ruby asked.

"Um, no, the _other_ job."

"Oh," she said. Then seeming to grasp what he was saying: "Ooooh, so you were a big, bad spy, too?"

"Chuck!" Sarah said warningly.

Chuck dismissed Sarah's protest with a wave of His hand. "Don't worry about it, Sarah. Ruby was SIS. We don't have any secrets between each other."

That seemed odd, too. Why would Chuck share all of His secrets with some chick he hung out with? Well, Sarah guessed she understood. It did help to talk about things sometimes with others that had been there. Lord knows she'd burdened every partner she had over the past ten years with her sob stories. Even if most of them only listened so they could get in her pants (which normally worked), it still felt good to talk it out from time to time.

But wait. If Chuck was sharing secrets with this girl, did that mean she was trying to get into _His_ pants? Well, that didn't matter. Not really. She could try, but she would fail, because Chuck loved Sarah, and only Sarah. Right?

Damn, Chuck was still talking. Something, something about working with her and Casey. Something about how many times she saved His life. Blah, blah, blah. She'd heard this tale before. Hell, she'd lived it. But then, the stories stopped, as did Sarah's heart when Chuck introduced…

"And Sarah, this is Ruby, my wife."

No, wait. Rewind that. He'd said… Yep, He'd said _wife_. But that had to be some kind mistake, or better yet, an elaborate joke, right? Oh that Chuck, always such the joker.

"I'm sorry, I thought you said she was your wife," Sarah said, laughing nervously.

Chuck and Ruby were looking at her strangely. What? Did she have a booger? She thumbed her nose just to be sure there were no bats in the cave.

"Yes, wife. Ruby and I have been married for six years. We have two kids and…"

She was quite sure He kept speaking after that, but she couldn't hear him. The room started spinning, and there was a loud ringing sound in her ears, and Sarah wished with all her soul that the Earth would open up and swallow her whole. Wait, was Chuck asking her a question now?

"Sarah? I said are you alright?"

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm fine. Just a, um, it was a long drive, and, you know, I could really use a drink," she said weakly, straining to keep the flood of emotions running through her out of her voice.

* * *

"So I have diet soda, water –"

"How about something with alcohol," Sarah cut Him off.

Ruby had excused herself so the two old "partners" (Ruby's word. Sarah would've used a phrase much more intimate than that to describe her previous relationship with Chuck.) could get reacquainted. They were now in his kitchen, Sarah sitting at the table, Chuck getting the drinks.

"Er, well, I have beer. If I remember correctly, you were always a fan of the darker brews, and I have –"

"I need something stronger," Sarah cut Him off again.

"I have some scotch," he offered with a shrug.

"Oh, I bet you do," she muttered mostly to herself. "That'll be fine, I guess," she said a little louder, so He could hear.

Damn him. Damn Him for betraying her. Yeah, she left, but she left with the knowledge that, when she was done being a spy, that He would be waiting for her. That was the only thing that kept her going at times. Knowing that there was someone out there that wanted her back. Knowing there was someone that cared.

He sat a glass, mostly full with the amber liquid in front of her, and she immediately threw it back, enjoying the all too familiar burn.

"So I must say, I'm surprised to see you," Chuck said, sitting down in a chair across from her, and popping the top on a bottle of Stella Artois. "I mean, all this time, you've never stopped by, called, hell you never even shot me an e-mail."

"I was busy," Sarah said lamely.

Chuck held His hands up defensively. "Oh, I'm not angry with you or anything; I just figured you'd moved on with your life."

"I did!" she answered. Which was a total lie. She never moved on. Not completely. Not like He did, apparently. But she couldn't look weak in front of Him. Not now. Not knowing what she did.

Chuck looked confused. "Then, why stop by now?"

"What, I can't check on an old _friend_?"

The word tasted bitter on her lips. It stung far more than the scotch she'd chugged just a moment ago. _Friend_. Was that all she was to Him? Was she even that?

"Well, I guess so. I mean, I still talk to Casey from time to time. But then, he never lost contact," Chuck said.

His words didn't sound bitter, which surprised Sarah. She expected Him to be angry with her. She'd even prepared herself for yelling, when she popped up on His doorstep. She'd labeled that in her mind as a worst case scenario. Turns out, that wasn't even _close_ to the worst case. The real worst case was her reality. He'd moved on. He'd forgotten her. He didn't need her. He didn't love her anymore, if He ever had.

"Well, you know how it can be out there," she said quietly.

"Is there something you want to talk about, Sarah? Tough mission?"

Tough mission? Is that what he thought this was about? That she'd had something go wrong out in the field, and she needed a familiar face to help ease the pain?

"No, no more missions. I, um, I'm retired now," she said, staring into her empty glass.

"Wow, that's, I mean, is that what you wanted?" Chuck asked. He was always so careful around her, even back when they were close. Obviously, He didn't want to presume to know her desires. Of course, He really _didn't_ know her desires. If He did, he'd know she only desired Him, and that had been torn away from her before she could even try.

"Yeah, that's what I wanted. I got tired of being a spy," she said, still not meeting His gaze.

"Well good for you, then. I guess not a lot of people make it out of that job alive. And I'd kinda figured you for a lifer," He said, standing to refill her glass.

She was thankful for the refill. Far as she was concerned, He could keep them coming. She certainly needed all she could get.

"So what's next for Sarah Walker?" He asked, setting her glass back down in front of her.

Once again, Sarah threw back the drink, relishing in the sting of the alcohol as it worked its way down her throat.

"That's a damn good question, Chuck Bartowski," she answered, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "I kind of thought I knew, but I'm being forced to reevaluate some things."

He looked at her, and from the look in His eyes, she could see that He still wasn't getting what she was saying.

"And anyway, plenty of us get out alive. Look at you, and the Highlander in there."

Chuck snorted a bit laughing at her comment. "Ruby wasn't really a spy, Sarah. Certainly no more than I was." He swigged his beer, finishing the bottle. "Probably less, in fact."

"How'd you two meet?" she asked, though honestly, she couldn't have cared less.

"Ah, well, our good friend John Casey was running an op over in the UK. Met up with a brilliant young tech expert. Said she reminded him of someone he used to work with. Me."

"So I take it Ruby was that tech expert?" Sarah asked.

"You would be right," Chuck answered. "Anyway, he mentioned that he'd worked with me, that I was pretty good with computers myself, and that I'd left the whole government work thing behind, and that I worked in the private sector now. She said she was interested in moving away from the covert life herself. He gave her my card –"

"She called you up, scheduled a meeting, and it was love at first sight?" Sarah asked, unable to completely hide the bitterness from her voice.

"Hah!" Chuck laughed. "Hardly. We didn't get along at all, at first. Get two people together who are so good at what they do, who both have very definite ideas about how things should be done, and arguments are pretty much inevitable."

Sarah was growing tired of the love story of Chuck and Ruby. Dammit, that was supposed to be _her_ story. Chuck was supposed to wait for her. He was supposed to live a successful, but empty life until she returned. Then she was supposed to make His life better again, and they'd grow old together. Maybe travel the world. She was too old to have His babies now, and she'd actually had surgery to prevent such a thing from happening, but they could adopt if He wanted kids.

"Why didn't you wait for me!" she blurted out.

Damn. Was that the scotch talking? She was never so blunt. Not when it related to matters of feelings. Now she was embarrassed. But at least she'd get an answer.

"I'm sorry, what?" He asked.

Okay, maybe she wouldn't get an answer from just that, but she couldn't stop herself now. "Why didn't you wait for me? I thought you loved me!"

By the look on Chuck's face, Sarah could tell that He was taken aback by her outburst. And honestly, why wouldn't he be? It had, for all intents and purposes, come out of leftfield.

Chuck sighed. A few different emotions shone clearly on His face. First confusion, then maybe hurt, before finally settling on anger. But anger was good. Sarah could handle anger.

"What did you want from me, Sarah?"

"I wanted you to wait!" she yelled back.

"You know what? You're unbelievable. I know you for, what, 18 months? Then I finally get the Intersect out of my head, we can finally try to be a real couple, and you take off with Bryce the next day. No goodbye, no voicemail as to where you were going, not so much as a letter. Nothing. Then you pop up 10 years later, and drop this in my lap?"

"I couldn't," she started, before swallowing back the lump in her throat. "I couldn't say goodbye. It was too hard. If I had tried to say goodbye, I wouldn't have been able to leave."

"Fine, then you wouldn't have left," He said. "But if you were so hell-bent on leaving, then why on Earth would I wait for you?"

"I had a job to do, Chuck," she said, calming just a little. Screaming and yelling, she decided, wasn't the best way to get her point across. "I had a job that meant everything to me. It was all I had. I thought you would understand."

"Oh, I did understand. And I do. Your job was important to you. More important than whatever it was we had."

"I didn't say that!" she said defensively.

"You didn't have to," Chuck shot back. "It was clear by your actions."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me," Chuck said. "Well, maybe a little. I thought I meant a little more than that to you, but whatever."

"What about you?" she asked. "If I meant so much to you, then why couldn't you wait? Why did you move on so quickly?"

"Quickly?" Chuck asked, laughing just a little. "It's been 10 years, Sarah."

"And you said you've been married for six. And I would think you didn't just jump right into marriage, so you've probably known _her_ for, what, eight years?"

Chuck seemed to think for a moment. "Yeah, about eight years, I guess. Maybe a little more."

Sarah laughed mirthlessly. "So I don't even warrant two whole years of mourning? You pined after Jill for five years after she left."

"Is that what this is about?" Chuck asked, His anger seeming to rise once again. "Jill was a totally different situation."

"How was it different? You loved her, and then you loved me. But apparently, you loved her more."

"Wait, I think I'm starting to piece this together. So, let me make sure I'm hearing you right. So _wanted_ my life to fall apart without you?" He asked.

"Yes!" Sarah blurted out. Then realizing her mistake: "No, I mean, not really. But it would be nice to know I was missed, just a little."

"Like I said," Chuck started, "Jill was a totally different situation. When Jill broke up with me, it was just one in a long line of soul crushing events. I lost my best friend, I got kicked out of school, and then on top of all of that, Jill left me."

He paused, taking another pull from His second beer.

"But with you, I mean, first of all, we were never actually together, so –"

"But you had to know how I felt!"

"Can I finish?" Chuck asked, annoyed. "Like I was saying, we were never actually together, so when you left, all I really lost was an opportunity. I mean, who knows if we would've worked out together? It could've been a disaster, we don't know"

Oh, but Sarah knew. She knew deep down that, had they ever gotten together, it would've been far from a disaster. She would've done everything in her power to make him happy. That's why she was here, anyway. To try to make him happy again. Only, he wasn't sad and broken the way she'd expected.

"And plus, I mean, look at what happened while you were here. I helped save hundreds, maybe thousands of lives, I figured out that I could do anything I wanted, and hey, I even got the college degree that was denied me back at Stanford."

"I helped you get that degree," Sarah pointed out.

"You did, and for that, I'm grateful. But didn't you say that I earned it with the things I did out in the field?" Sarah didn't have an answer for that, so she stayed silent. "And weren't you always the one that told me I could have whatever I wanted?"

"But I thought you wanted _me_!"

Chuck sighed, again. "There was a time that I thought I did. I'll be honest, there was a time when I couldn't picture my future without you in it."

"Then why'd you move on?" she asked.

"Because I had to," he said. "Because you were right. I can do anything. I can have anything I want. And I found what I wanted. I have a wife, who is the love of my life. I have two beautiful kids. I have a successful business. And yeah, you played a big part in helping me get to where I am today, but I think I deserve a little of the credit myself, don't I?"

"You do," Sarah said, resigned. "You deserve all the credit. It's just, I thought I'd be able to enjoy the man you've become."

"You thought my life revolved around you," Chuck pointed out. "And that's an incredibly selfish point of view."

"I still care about you, Chuck," she said meekly. It was as close to the truth as she was going to come. She never told him that she loved him. Not before, when there was still a chance for them, and she certainly couldn't tell him now. Not when he was with someone else. Not when he was happy. Not when he'd just reject her.

"And I still care about you," He said, reaching across the table to take her hand in His. "I'll never stop caring about you. It's just, I've moved on with my life."

The _"and you should, too"_ was implied, and Sarah didn't miss it. Still, it was hard to think about moving on when He was holding her hand like He was. In all her travels, with all the people she'd met. All the people she'd worked with. All the lovers she'd taken along the way. None of them had that effect on her. None of them could take her breath with just a touch. It wasn't fair. He was the only one she wanted, and now, He didn't want her anymore.

"Listen, I have to go pick Aimee up from preschool. Take a ride with me?" Chuck asked.

"Why?" Sarah asked.

Chuck shrugged. "All this talking we've been doing, we really haven't caught up. I mean, I guess you kinda know my story now. But I want to hear yours. I want to hear about all your adventures."

She smiled a little to herself. Odd how, just moments before, she'd been on the verge of tears, but Chuck taking an interest in her again, even if it wasn't romantic, felt good. "I _did_ have a lot of adventures," she said.

"Good," Chuck said, standing up. "Then let's go. You can tell me about all the buildings you jumped off of –"

"All the revolutions I quelled with a fork?" she asked.

Chuck laughed. "Yeah, that too. And plus, I want Aimee to meet her Aunt Sarah."

_Aunt Sarah?_ Well, that just sounded weird. And a little uncomfortable, seeing as Sarah wanted nothing more than to be _mommy_ to Chuck's kids. Still, it was better than nothing.

"So can I be _Cool_ Aunt Sarah, that teaches Aimee about boys, and how to –"

"If you put my daughter through seduction school, I'm pretty sure Ruby will kill you," Chuck said jokingly.

"She can try," Sarah said playfully.

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_A/N: See, ended up being pretty sad. I assure you, that wasn't my initial intention, but this sucker, which was originally supposed to be about a 1200 word laugher, grew into a bittersweet, angst fest that was much longer. Funny how that happens sometimes. But this one just wrote itself. Anyway, hope you liked it, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace._


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